Teaching Character Through Crisis
Seven days into social distancing, I broke down. I wish I could say it took me a whole week to cry, but this wasn’t the first time. However, it was the first time I cried because of how inadequate I felt for all the new roles I suddenly needed to fill. Through my tears, I told my husband that I had never wanted to be a preschool teacher, a speech therapist, or a stay-at-home mom. All jobs I greatly admire, but none of which I desired to be. Our new reality was forcing me into those roles and I was not enjoying it. I realized then that I needed to do something different, because we were in this for the long haul.
That night I spent time looking through social media for what other people were doing. There were so many COVID-19 schedules circulating. A schedule had been my immediate response as well. I made one that I thought would work for our household. As a former teacher, it felt like the right thing to do. Despite my 4-year-old’s genuine enthusiasm for the schedule, we had only loosely followed it for the first week. The poor kid probably asked a hundred times that week, “Mommy, where are we on our calendar?” The fact that he still thought it was a calendar after a week was an obvious sign we needed something different.
One post from a friend had a checklist for the day rather than a schedule. This idea looked way more manageable for me. But what would be on our checklist? I spent some time that night making lists and crumpling them up. Nothing was clicking, until I thought back to how I used to start the school day in my elementary classroom. I always told my class that I had a lot of academic goals for all of them, but what was most important to me was that they left my classroom at the end of the year as good humans. I wanted them to be champions of kindness and teamwork. I wanted them to leave knowing that there are millions of ways to be smart and that they were smart. I wanted them to be proud of who they are. Thinking back to those conversations I had with my elementary students, I decided that this was going to be how I approached our time while social distancing.
And then I had to remind myself that this in fact is how I parent. I want to raise good humans. After spending a week trying to be someone I am not, I realized that I had it in me to be exactly what my children needed me to be, just by being myself.
And then I had to remind myself that this in fact is how I parent. I want to raise good humans. After spending a week trying to be someone I am not, I realized that I had it in me to be exactly what my children needed me to be, just by being myself. Every parent has the capacity to be exactly who their children need right now. In your home, incredibly valuable character education is being taught by your child’s first and most important teacher: You. I bet you don’t realize all the things your children are learning right now, but let me tell you why you’re already doing a great job.
Feeling our Feelings
Chances are, your children are learning how to handle big emotions. We are all dealing with some big emotions in our house, some of which we can’t identify. The other day, my oldest son started crying while coloring a picture of Iron Man. He had big tears rolling down his cheeks and couldn’t tell me what was wrong. This was completely out of ordinary for him. I held him in my lap for a good ten minutes while he cried. I didn’t expect him to talk about it. I didn’t try to solve the unknown problem. He eventually stopped crying and went back to coloring. I hope he learned that all emotions, even those we can’t name, are safe to have in our home. We are there for one another in whatever way we need to be. It could be sitting in silence or it could be talking it out. In responding to your child’s feelings, you are teaching them.
Cultivating Empathy
Empathy is scarce in so many visible ways right now. It’s scarce in the way people treat those most vulnerable to this virus. It’s scarce on the shelves of grocery stores. It’s scarce on television. But in so many ways empathy is shining brightly. You can see it in artwork on sidewalks. You can see it in generous donations. You can see it on homemade signs outside of hospitals. Social distancing adds some additional hurdles to our ability to show empathy, but so many people have proven those hurdles are not impossible to clear. In our house we are making “Bags of Love,” decorating our front door and sidewalk, FaceTiming so many friends and family, and sharing more hugs in a single day than ever before. These small everyday acts are all lessons to our children in connecting with others, meeting everyone where they are, showing gratitude, and finding ways to help one another through troubled times.
Growth Mindset (and that it’s okay to make mistakes)
Without a doubt, every person is feeling like they have made mistakes in the last few weeks. Parenting mistakes, work mistakes, social mistakes. I’ve made at least one mistake in all of those areas in the past few weeks. My children have heard me say, “I’m sorry” and “I will do that better next time.” And then they see me try to do better (hopefully with some success). They are learning that everyone makes mistakes and what is important is that we learn from our mistakes. We may not get it exactly right the next time, but it’s important to keep trying. We can always do better at the things that matter to us. That’s an important lesson your children can learn from how you treat yourself as you strive to do better under challenging circumstances.
Teamwork
In our house, our children have watched my husband and I try to coordinate our work schedules during the day. Although I’m used to working from home, I’m used to it being an empty, quiet home. My husband is not used to working from home at all. The first week was uncomfortable for everyone. At first we didn’t know how to approach our new situation, but we have found a good routine that is working for us now. Our children watched us navigate that discomfort together. They have also had a chance to see and hear us on calls with our colleagues. Although our children are young, they are seeing that mommy and daddy work together with a team of people at our jobs. What’s more, our children are also learning that they have a team of people who support them. After coming to the realization that I couldn’t magically fill the roles of all those we count on, I started talking to them about how wonderful it is that we have so many experts in our life who can help us when we need it. We’ve talked about how we learn so much from our teachers at school. We’ve talked about how speech therapists are experts at helping people make correct sounds. We’ve talked about how we are so grateful to have doctors we can go to if we are sick. We’ve talked about how lucky we are to have grandparents to spend time with each week. Without all of these people on our team, life just wouldn’t be as wonderful as it is. I’m willing to bet that teamwork has been a topic, if not a downright necessity, in your house, too. Your children are learning from these things how to be a team player. That’s a lesson that will serve them in more ways than you can probably imagine.
Independence
Your children are learning how to be independent. In every household in the world, children who can are being asked to do a little more learning, playing, and helping on their own. I’ve definitely asked my boys to play independently a lot more lately. I’m almost embarrassed about how little I had asked them to do this before. From a distance, I’ve been able to see them create some pretty amazing pieces of artwork, resolve conflicts, create impressive lego structures, and share some adorable brotherly love. I feel like independent time is going to become a household norm even after this is all over. And that’s good for everyone.
Perseverance
No matter where you live, your age, or your job, you are being asked to do things that you once thought you couldn’t. Or things you were told weren’t even possible. Your children are seeing you creatively adjust to all these new challenges. They are watching you try your best to work, parent, teach, and protect. We haven’t really known the best way to explain all this to a two and four year old. I don’t think anyone knows the best way to talk about it with kids. What we do say is we know this is hard. We don’t like it either. But what we are doing is really important for the safety of everyone. In the end, our children will see that the hard things we did kept our family and community safer. And we will all feel pretty proud of our ability to step up to the plate when the world needed us to. You are teaching your children to persevere through hardship. You are showing them their strength.
The Deep Value of Social Closeness
Your children are learning the importance of human connection and love. Our loss of human connection is why many of us are feeling such big emotions. I have no doubt that my boys are struggling with this. They miss seeing my parents every Wednesday. They miss their cousins, especially their brand new baby cousin they have only met once. They miss running into the neighbor’s yard to play. They miss their friends from school and daycare. They miss their teachers. All people that they deeply love. My children will talk very little on the phone or on FaceTime, so I’ve tried to think creatively of how they can connect with those they love. We’ve played games with grandparents. We’ve left treasure hunts in our loved ones front yards. We’ve made artwork and wrote letters to give to people once we see them again. We parked our car in front of my sister’s house and had a dance party out of our sunroof. It has been fun and pretty crucial to our sanity right now, but it is definitely not a replacement for connecting in person. Our children may not remember all the details of this experience, but I’m pretty confident they won’t forget the sadness of only being able to see their favorite people through a screen or from a distance. I know I’ve learned how priceless a hug is and I think my boys have too.
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I did end up making a checklist for our household and it’s working for us, but even without a schedule or a checklist, every child is being taught some incredible lessons by their parents. I’ve seen so many posts about parents just not feeling confident in themselves right now. Please remind yourself that this time at home doesn’t have to look like time anywhere else. It is your space to teach your children to be good humans. And you have all the tools you need to do that.